the chicago dispLAcement ®

As mentioned in a previous post, I live across the hall from two rather harmless yet somewhat bothersome twenty-something boys. Rarely do I see them; however, I certainly can hear them. All. The. Time.

Contrary to what you might think, I’m not all too happy about this. Sure, at first it was mildly amusing to listen to their in-depth analysis of the latest Lil Wayne album, or why Scarlett Johansson is hotter than Kate Upton, but the novelty wears off quickly.

However, last week I overheard a rather intense exchange between my neighbors, which I immediately knew I must record for posterity. I have transcribed their conversation so that their pearls of wisdom may be remembered always by future generations. It is this sage advice that I now share with you. To protect the identities of these young men, I will refer to them only as Dum and Dee. Without further adieu…

Dum: “Dude, I don’t know what the f*ck is going on! I can’t figure out this chick!”

Dee: “Whaz up, bro?”

Dum: “It’s this girl. She’s driving me crazy, yo. It’s nuthin’ like how it was with Allison. Dude, that chick was awesome. She paid for everything.”

Dee: “Bro, you call the shots. It doesn’t work when a chick is in control.”

Dum: “Dude, I know! But I don’t know what to do with this f*ckin’ chick. I keep tellin’ her that we’re just gonna do it casual, but she won’t listen to me.”

Dee: “Dude, the man calls the shots. That’s only way it works.”

Dum: “Yeah… I dunno. I kinda like it that she’s being so aggressive, ya know? Think I kinda like her.”

Dee: “Then just do you, bro. Just f*ckin’ do you.”

Dum: “Yeah…”

Dee: “No. Seriously, dude. Listen to me. If you like… I dunno, like, if you f*ckin’ like to go hiking and sh*t, then that’s your thing. So just do your thing.”

Dum: “Right… I dunno. She got me all confused and sh*t.”

Dee: “Bro, I’m tellin’ ya… Chicks can smell out that sh*t from a mile away. If you don’t do you, they will pick up on that sh*t like that!”

(Snaps fingers.)

Dum: “Yeah… Think I should call her?”

Dee: “F*ck, no. Let her call you.”

Dum: “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, bro.”

Dee: “Dude, I got ya.”

(Indiscernible sound. Possibly a man hug.)

The end.

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net