I was very spoiled. For the last two years, I had lived without any neighbors across my hallway. Pure bliss.

Then three months ago they moved in. Fresh out of college. New to LA. Nice enough guys. We were formally introduced when I tried to enter my apartment with a basket full of laundry but couldn’t as their oversized papasan cushion was blocking my door. I assumed the endless bounding up and down the staircase would cease once they were fully moved in. I was wrong. Day or night, weekday or weekend… doesn’t matter. I find it amazing that for individuals who seemingly never go to bed, they have the energy to take the stairs two at a time every time. Not to mention the adorable way they let the screen door slam whenever they come or go.

Yes, I am a total ageist. I don’t consider myself much older than my new neighbors, but the self-righteous judgment began the second I saw those baseball caps slung on backwards and the empty pizza boxes laying on their floor. You see, my neighbors love to leave the door open whenever they’re home. Apparently they think apartment buildings are just dorms with bathrooms and no weirdo roommates.

I wish I could say that my neighbors are proving my narrow-mindedness wrong, but no. They still act like frat boys. They stay up late. They have friends over all hours of the night. They like to play their music loud and video games louder. And lately I’ve noticed a strange aroma emanating from their apartment. A delightful mixture of Acqua Di Gio, stale beer and locker room. This all seems very normal to them.

Of course the simple solution would be to tell them to shut their door, but I can’t. I can’t be that “lame chick” from across the hall who wants to kill their fun at two in the morning. I feel like I have a good twenty to thirty years ahead of me before that should become my moniker. Plus, I think one of our other neighbors already complained about the slamming door situation as last week I overhead them mocking said informant. “Don’t let the door slam or we’ll get in trooou-ble.” They then high-fived each other and proceeded to exit the building, ahem, letting the door slam.

The other ugly truth is that a part of me doesn’t want them to shut the door since I’ve become fascinated with their conversations. Sure, some might call this eavesdropping, but I rather see myself as a kind of Jane Goodall figure who is trying to understand the characteristics of these creatures we call twenty-something males. I have already come to a few ground-breaking conclusions:

1. Most words in the English language can be replaced with the term sh*t. For instance, “Coachella already sold out! Can you believe that sh*t? That sh*t ain’t cool, bro.” Likewise, the word sh*t can be added to the conversation for greater effect. “So, like, I was watching Homeland and sh*t… Sh*t, man, that sh*t is intense!” This observation also applies to the term f*ck.

2. Any film based off a comic book figure and/or starring Nicolas Cage can easily be analyzed for two hours or more.

3. Video games are highly underrated regarding their life-changing prowess.

4. I really, truly hope I never sounded this idiotic when I was that young.

Like I said, they’re generally pretty nice guys, but the second I see a St. Pauli Girl poster hanging on their wall, I will do everything in my power to get them evicted.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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6 Responses to “Growing Up Is Optional”

Sounds like my neighbor Wayne. Ugh, Wayne …. I HATE you!

Can you please stop bumpin’ your R&B at 9am on a Sunday morning. Also the fact that I can hear your music all the way from the street when I walk out concerns me … you should check a hearing doctor. Plus if you don’t stop this shit I’m pretty sure my husband is going to come down there and he’s going to beat your ass (which honestly would be an interesting fight b/c Wayne is kind of tall but my man is stout). Plus is Wayne keeps this up I’m going to start walking in my heels ALL THE TIME 😀 Thanks neighbor!

January 19th, 2012

If you need someone to kick their collective asses, I’m your woman! You have far more patience than I!

January 19th, 2012

Hahahaha… I think that was the best comment I’ve ever received on this site! JB, sounds like someone should start a blog of her own! Girl, you got stories to tell. 🙂

January 19th, 2012

I would pay good money to see you put the smackdown on those fellas. I guarantee I would never hear a peep out of them again! 😉

January 19th, 2012

I once had a neighbor who was a professional DJ. He practiced his spins every. single. night.

January 19th, 2012

Unless that DJ turned out to be David Guetta, that sounds like torture. :-/

January 20th, 2012