So the other night I was having a very serious discussion with a friend regarding what we would do should there be an alien invasion.

She had just seen the recently released Battle: Los Angeles and was giving me a play-by-play of plot points. It got me to thinking… There are a lot of films about UFOs coming to Mother Earth. Funny ones like Men in Black. Patriotic ones like Independence Day. And super creepy ones like Signs. The details vary; they might land quietly in the middle of some sleepy farm town, or to get our attention they might decide to blow away the White House. Sometimes they want only our planetary resources for sustenance; other times they want our very bodies as incubation chambers. Either way, they most always want us dead.

Yet despite the fact that these beings figured out a way to travel millions of light years (give or take) to find us, we Earthlings always win in the end. Know why? Because we’re the human race! We got chutzpah! And when Bill Pullman tells us, “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” then damn right we will.

But that’s just make-believe. Movies aren’t real. We all know none of that would ever happen… Because we would never, ever survive an alien attack if those little green guys didn’t want us to.

It’s true. Know why? Because whether or not we prideful humans care to admit it, those dudes are way smarter than us. Where do you think the phrase “light years ahead” came from? If they managed to navigate multiple galaxies to find our puny planet, then I for one feel confident they did the necessary background check as well. They would know if our germs were harmful to them or if our water was toxic. I mean, come on. I know humans who won’t drink the tap when vacationing in Mexico. You think UFOs would be any less careful?

I wouldn’t even try to resist an alien invasion. Really. If one afternoon I noticed a fleet of flying saucers annihilating my neighborhood, I would pretty much call it a day. I’d type off one last Facebook status update to all my loved ones and then guiltlessly eat every last carton of ice cream I could get my hands on until my time had come.

But here’s the thing. We needn’t worry. If ever we do come face to face with those guys from outer space, I’d put good money on them being more E.T. than some monstrosity with acid for blood. Know why? Evolution. Allow me to explain. Once upon a time, should you come down with a nasty cold, you would probably get sliced open and bled – on purpose – so you could get better. Should you be accused of witchcraft, you would get thrown into a river to see if you could float. If not, congratulations! You may be dead, but at least you weren’t a minion of the devil. Sometimes you didn’t even get the benefit of the doubt; you’d just be tied to a stake and lit up in front a crowd of cheering spectators. Thankfully, we don’t do these things anymore because we’re better educated and more civilized. Not to say that we still don’t have a long way to go, but that’s my point. If E.T. does visit Earth, then he’s already gone the distance, both literally and figuratively. He doesn’t want to wipe out our species; rather he wants to heal our boo-boos with his fingertip. Sure, he might smirk at our primitive need for clothing and steal all our Reese’s Pieces, but that’s about as aggressive as he’s ever gonna get.

So in case you’ve been losing sleep about how you would survive an extraterrestrial battle in Los Angeles, Chicago or anywhere else on earth, don’t. If UFOs do show up one day, they’ll probably be saving us from some human-made catastrophe, not creating one. However, I would worry about surviving a zombie attack. If that happens, then we’re really in trouble.

Image: africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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4 Responses to “Game Over”

I loved this one 🙂 I laughed out loud a few times while reading! Now when I think of aliens invading earth, I’ll picture small ET like harmless little guys who just want to heal my boo-boos!!! Thanks Anna 🙂

March 25th, 2011

YAY! Reader laughing out loud = successful blog entry. Thanks, Kristin! 🙂

March 27th, 2011

Thank you, Anna! This is so very true, and also why Charlie and I are organizing our apocalypse box. But now, next to my automatic rifles and grenades (in the case of zombies), I’ll be adding some reese’s pieces (in the case of friendly aliens). I’m definitely hoping for the latter.

March 30th, 2011

You know, about the whole zombie attack thing… If that ever goes down, I really hope it coincides with a well-timed visit to see you. I definitely would feel safer if I knew you were backing me up with those rifles and grenades.

March 30th, 2011